Let Her Go
by It's an Existential Crisis
Summary: Fem!Hidan & Shikamaru. A relationship of lust is tested with the arrival of a "gift." Only know you love her when you let her go..
1. Chapter 1: Sleepless

Chapter 1: Sleepless

It's just a game. That's why I let her. This is fun. We're fucking each other over because we find our misery to be some kind of fucked up joke and neither of us wants to be the first one to quit. Like, it's some kind of competition to see which one of us will snap first.

It's a game. That's why she can bite me all she wants. Fffuuuuck, yeah… it's a game, and I won't be the first one to… _moan_. She's so fucking nasty... I fucking hate this bitch. That's why we keep meeting here like a couple of animals; neither one of us willing to cave in to the shame, waiting to see which of us will be the bastard to rat on the other.

_I got the will to drive myself sleepless_

"I'm going to kill you, babe…"

"Then fucking do it, you cold bitch, _mmmm_…"

_So much time is cashed  
So much smoke is wasted  
Sudden disappearance  
In the air is thick and cool_

This is so wrong. I fucking love it. I don't even care… that she's…

"…Shikamaru."

"Don't say my name like you know me. Just shut up and take it…"

"Shikamaru."

"Damnit! You're killing it," I'm so sick of this. Don't make me fucking realize what we're doing. Just don't. Just shut your whore mouth.

"…Shikamaru."

"Ah, fuck! What?!" I can't get off to this shit. Get off my lap, don't touch me like that, like you know me. You're just the fucking zombie freak who fucked up everything for me. You're the murderous rancid bitch who did this to me, you put me here. Keep your dirty hands off my chest. I need a light.

_I can't approach myself  
Skidding over this perdition  
And now I'm out on the verandah  
When I should have gone to school_

"… Shikamaru. I'm… shit…"

"Fucking spit it out already, you're such a fucking drag…"

"…"

"What? Damnit, what is this shit? You saying you're done? Shit, fine, go already! Fuck this… fuck this…"

What are you thinking. What nauseating horror is dripping into your mouth so foul you feel the need to share it. What shit-smelling vomit is circulating inside that head of yours. I don't want this. Why am I the foul-mouthed asshole here. No. I'm done.

_Well I call for sleep,  
But sleep it won't come to me  
Shuffling in the hallway,  
I can hear him on the stairs_

"I'm pregnant."

_I hear his lighter flicking.  
I hear the soft sigh of his inhale.  
And the whole width of my intentions  
He exhales into the air._

It's just a game. It was never anything more. It never would be. We spared each other that baggage. That's why she can dig her nails in me. That's how she dug herself inside of me. I guess I bit back.

_I got the will to drive myself sleepless._

"… You… you stupid…"

It's just a _game._ She's fucking with me. We want to ruin each other. It's _fun_.

"Fine. I quit. You win. YOU WIN. Alright?! You fucking won, cockshit, game over, you get the metaphorical trophy of my sanity. You fucking win. Stop crying! Stop crying already damnit, you win, it's over! Take your fucking lies and _go_!"

"I'm _pregnant_ you stupid fuck!"

"Stop it! Just _get out of my head_!"

"Shikamaru!"

"No! You're not going to get to me! You can't touch me! There's no way I'm going to let this bullshit-… Shidan…"

"I'm not playing, Shikamaru… I'm not… I want…"

"…Holy shit." No. No no no. This isn't happening.

"… The holy lord Jashin saw us, and instead of punishing me for my sins, he… gave this to me."

Why are you doing this.

"Shikamaru. Just… fucking. _Please_."

Please, what. What do you want from me. What more can you take from me.

"Listen to me you worthless cocksucker! I want to have this _fucking_ baby with you!"

What on earth is this women trying to say to me. I don't. Fucking. Understand. It's like she's speaking another language. No, I'm done. I'm not doing this. This isn't what I signed up for.

"Fuck! What the hell have we been doing this whole time?! Look at me! Shikamaru!"

This isn't funny.

"You bastard! I'll… I'll kill you for putting this _thing i_nside me! _You_ fucking did this to me! You fucking bitch _I will kill you_!"

"Then do it already."

What have I done.

_Skeedunt, stunt the runt,  
Smoking buddha blunt._

Clammy hands around my neck. Rage. Pulsing red rage. Salty wet rage. But you did this to _me_, you psychopathic murdering bitch! I'll kill you back!

Fists and teeth and dirt and _crack._ What are we doing.

_I got the will to drive myself sleepless._

The sun is beginning to rise, warm and bright on our tired eyes, highlighting our pretty blue bruises and cuts, blood sparkles everywhere. Warm on our arms, entangled soft. Entangled scared. Vulnerable. Open. Our secret valley revealed to the sky, caught in the act and we stare back, guilty and shamelessly. We open ourselves to the sky, quiet. The birds are furious at us.

What's done is done.

Take responsibility, she says. Fine. "Marry me."

"… You don't even fucking know me."

I'm too tired for her mind-games.

"We'd have plenty of time to find out." Isn't this what you want? Damnit, make up your mind.

An image flashes in my head of some picnic scene. With this. Monster baby. My monster baby with this monster woman. She's not even human is she. It's so hideous I shudder and have to stand up, I feel nauseous enough to vomit with nothing in my stomach. The idea alone is enough disgust to last a lifetime. Take responsibility she says.

"This isn't going to work."

"No. No it's not," I agree, between heavy breaths.

"Let's run away."

"Are you stupid? Is that the best you've got? Guh, I'm gonna be sick…"

"You got any better fucking ideas fuckface? Let's get out of here. Fuck Akatsuki. Fuck Konoha. Let's just fucking go."

"No! I'm not like you. I'm loyal to something other than myself. You fucking go." I won't leave my village for this. This is stupid.

She's lost it at this point, her temper explodes, she stands and swings at everything in sight growling and throwing out expletives like angry hate-bombs until she just stands and screams, tugging at her hair and cloths, a typical outburst, but at least a less-violent one than normal.

I can't possibly live with her, I don't know her, but the few things I do know I can't live with. Fuck. I can hardly live with myself. I'm too young. I have nothing to offer her or her fucking abomination monster child. I'm not going to just be her baby-daddy.

The only way I could possibly think it would work is… if she gave up Jashinism and joined Konoha. But that will never happen. 'Course her solution would be for me to join Akatsuki or whatever and betray everything I believe in. And that will never happen. There's no way this will work. My stomach is caving in on itself.

Shidan, sits, defeated. There is nothing we can do. I can't. She can't. We just won't.

"… Shidan. I know a medic-nin. She would never betray me. We could trust her to…"

"To kill it?!" She's fucking lost it. "You want me to just fucking get rid of it like it never happened? Like we never happened?! Fuck!"

"Why are you making this so difficult?! You must be stupider than I thought! Fucking women! What the hell do you expect me to do? Just drop everything for this? When this should have never happened in the first place? I'm not doing this with you! Just standing here _talking _about it is treasonous!" I cannot handle the stupidity.

"How the fuck do you think I feel? This is fucking blasphemy-"

"Blasphemy my ass! Don't give me that shit. I don't care what you do. You need to go. And if I ever see you again, I will fulfill my fucking duty as a shinobi of the hidden leaf village and take you out for good. Pregnant or not. Don't you fucking mistake me for some fool." I shove my burning cigarette on her shoulder and she just glares at me, as we stare each other down. She breaks first.

"…Fucking… _Please_. Please. Please don't do this."

"Do what? Take out a dangerous criminal? You're fucking lucky I'm letting you off easy now. I should just kill you here."

"Yeah, right, twerp, don't even kid yourself, now shut up for a shit-fucking-minute and _listen_ to me."

I sigh. Yeah, that is a bluff. If we actually got into a real battle I'd be dead ten minutes ago. If she wanted me dead, I would not be standing here. Still. "I'm listening. All ears, bitch."

I was just playing around.

"_I care about you."_

Damnit. I can't do this.

"Are you listening? I fucking care about you. I don't want to just fucking walk away. Don't you turn your back on me! Don't you fucking dare!"

"I'm right here. I'm right here."

"Shikamaru… Fucking… figure this shit out. With me. Do this with me. Just fucking try."

I don't want to. Why are you doing this? Am I supposed to believe all of this? This is some fucking ploy, some kind of trap. My head is killing me.

"We can't… don't you get that? We can't."

"Yes we fucking can! Fuck this war! Fuck these fucking shit-mongers, these ninja assholes and their sob-stories! Let's, I don't know, fucking raise this baby or something!"

"You really don't get it. You can't just up and walk away from who you are. And I won't… I won't do it."

"Yes, you fucking can-"

"Shidan. I am not ready to be a father. And I will _never_ be ready to father anything that comes out of _you_."

Silence. We've exhausted our arguments. There's nothing to do. Except walk away. I can feel the frustration without looking at her. It's over now.

_I got the will to drive myself sleepless_

She finally disappears, gone to who knows where. It's finally over. It's all over. It never happened. I can go back and live a normal life. Or can I? Who cares. I'm done. You win.

My legs are as heavy as lead. I walk casually back to the village, until I can hop over the wall, silently, and start towards my apartment. It's all over. I'm so fucking selfish, aren't I? She's finally gone.

Gone. I let her go. I had to.

* * *

_**To be continued.**_


	2. Chapter 2: Life is A Grimm Tale Sometime

**Chapter 2: Life is A Grimm Tale Sometimes**

I keep a book of poems with me. The Jashin faith is strictly that: faith. No evidence, no books, no history, no preachers or churches. No rules, aside from the ones you impose upon yourself. At the end of my rituals, I need those poems to bring me back. It is my words to and from my god. After sacrificing my body and soul to him, I like to think of it like cuddling after a long night of rough sex. It reminds me that he is still there, that after he has what he wants from me, he doesn't just roll over, puff his cigar and leave. I matter. I need these poems when I lose myself in him. In blood. It brings me back to reality. Since Shikamaru, I hadn't needed my book.

Which is kind of fucking stupid because after a long night with _him_, he does just roll over, puff his cigarette and leave.

But instead of losing myself in him, I seem to find myself in him. He _is_ my poem; my words to God. He is my faith. We meet at dusk and indulge – God he makes me scream, and that fucking powerful glimmer het gets in his eye when I let him dominate me, it's almost as satisfying as his girlish whimper, the shame and embarrassment- the humiliation! I just lose myself in his face. He has so many. He is a poem, and we sing it together in the night, a barbaric ritual, but a prayer all the same.

And that could just be me rationalizing it all because I seriously do not get what I see in him. I don't. He's right, in that we are not compatible in any sense of the word. Shikamaru. I don't even like his name. It's boring like the rest of him. So, shit, what is it that he has that I want? Company? He is not the only man in my life. There have been countless men and women. Countless. If it's company I want, I fucking got plenty of it.

… A family? Shit no. I hate kids,

So come on, Shidan. Tell us the truth.

I want to be normal.

I want to settle down. Have breakfast, go to work, help the kids with their homework. Poetry. Sleep.

I've been doing this for a long fucking time. Don't get me wrong, bloodshed is my identity. I live and breathe death. I fucking love being an asshole, cleaning the world of hedonistic filth, I'll never get tired of it. I want to be me. But I also want to be normal. I want to know what that's like. And I know I can't have both. I know that.

So then there's… this baby inside of me.

After all these… damn, it's been centuries, hasn't it? Centuries of devotion. And sin. And forgiveness. Of immortality. It's been centuries since I'd spoken to Him for the first and last time. This baby is from Him. Not Shikamaru. This is my gift. It's my time. He's telling me, finally, I did a good fucking job.

I did all of this for him – I can do anything, anything for his child. I've seen it all. This terrorist shit, the revenge-syndrome, the daddy-didn't-love-me-enough, the "tortured-soul"- all these Akatsuki pussies… they are nobody I haven't already met. They are pointless, generic combinations of natural science- I don't even think they are actually self-aware, they just "think" that they are. They are just there for show. Sinners. Pointless little bugs that wander around praising false idols, fighting for petty causes. They fight for themselves, selfish, simple creatures. Simple fucking shadows with no higher purpose. Shikamaru isn't any different.

Will I grow old? Shit, I don't know. Maybe I won't. Maybe Shikamaru and my child will grow old and die and I will go back to manslaughter for the rest of eternity until Jashin claims the Earth again. At least that's what I think will happen. Fuck, who knows.

I don't know. I don't care. Whatever happens, I am having this baby. With or without Shikamaru. I've served my time. Maybe I can convince him of that. Maybe I can be someone else for a while. Shit I hate this "maybe-what if" crap. Would he take me if I wasn't me? That's just fucking depressing. Would I take _him _if he wasn't him?

Out with it Shidan. Tell us how you really feel.

No. I wouldn't. He can take me for who I am or not at all.

The candle is blown out, the book falls on my face.

"Oi! Kakuzu, you fucking mind?!"

"No. I don't. Go to sleep."

"Tch, I'll sleep when I'm dead! But I get it, a crotchety old fart like you needs rest, fucking pussy…"

"Do you get your youth from your endless hypocrisy?" I can hear the smirk in his voice; he shuffles, turning away from me.

"You're still giving me shit about that? Yeah, that's right, roll away, you're just fucking jealous of my hot young bod."

"If I were that jealous, I'd be using you for spare parts. Not a bad idea, now that I think about it."

"You're a serious asshole, you know that?"

"Go the fuck to sleep, Shidan."

"Yeah, yeah…"

I can't fucking sleep. My head is fucking full of shit… My guts are full of shit. My emotions are shit. My hormones are shit. What the fuck do I do now? My book of poems has no answers.

I'm just fucking pissed. Because I care about a mindless, animal, a survival-driven life-form, with no real intelligence or purpose or influence- and I don't fucking know why.

But, if I were to raise Jashin's baby with anyone, I'm glad it's with him. He makes me feel safe. From what? I don't fucking know. All the sensations tend to blend and blur over time. My thoughts are as scrambled as the rest of me…

All this running around in my head is making me sick. I sit up, and kiss my pendant. He has never lead me astray.

Jashin-sama. I know you hear me. I know you are there. You've spoken to me, and now I am answering you. I will have this baby. I swear. Just tell me what I have to do. I will do anything and everything I have to do. I am loyal to the end. Please. I'm ready. I'm fucking ready! Just tell me-

"…Shidan? Fucking hell, go back to sleep-"

Oh god…

Bile everywhere. Burning, scratching vile. Retching and coughing and what the fuck is happening?

Light the candle- it's blood.

I hate this _what-if_ crap…. What if my body is too hostile… too disfigured, too mangled and dead for a baby?

"Shidan? What the hell,"

"Shut up and get me towel."

"Are you finally croaking?"

"Hahaha, fuck you. Get me a towel. And.." I can't finish my sentence, I feel like I'm puking out my guts.

"Fucking hell-"

I'm puking out my guts. Look, there's my stomach. A lung.

"K-Kaku-zu… help-"

Blood everywhere, out my nose, ears, my vagina… The entirety of my innards is being flushed out.

It's so fucking hot in here, I can't hold myself up, I fall forward and see my belly splitting open, spilling out the rest in a hot pile of me- my skin is peeling off. I grab at the flaking sheets, trying to hold them down but it only rips it off faster revealing muscle and bone.

_Crack crack crack!_

My bones. Snippity snapping in and out of places. Muscle spasms like no tomorrow. I'm barely a bloody skeleton. My heart literally explodes- I can feel the warm splatter against my hollow walls and everything finally stops.

Jashin-sama Is here. He caresses my face, bloody, knotted face, cold against my stringy raw flesh, soothing. He reaches inside and takes my brain. I fall. I shatter. There is only my mind now. Pulsing in his hand.

Guide me…

**"…"**

A dream? But I feel so- gah! Heavy. My bones pop and crack every time I move. It feels like I've been sleeping for ages, but there's Kakuzu next to me, undisturbed. My muscles are sore. I'm starving! I go to stand, and my knees give out entirely. They crack on the floor, and my hands aren't strong enough to hold me.

"Good morning." Kakuzu grunts, irritated. I'm sure he's been awake for at least an hour.

I try to speak, but my tongue feels swollen. My mouth is suddenly completely unfamiliar to me.

"… You want to explain what that was all about?"

It wasn't a dream. Buckets and bags and bloody rags. He seriously stayed up and cleaned my shit? I don't have any stitches. Actually, my skin feels baby-smooth. Everything feels smooth. Nothing hurts. Nothing's bleeding.

I turn my head to look at Kakuzu, and the motion makes me dizzy; it's hard to keep my head straight.

"Forget it. I don't want to know. Just get in the shower and pack it up." He's holding something, I guess he's been up for a while. A book-

"H-hey! That's mine!"

* * *

"Shikamaru? What- What are you doing here so late at night?"

"I-I'm sorry, Kurenai, I just- uh…"

She rubs her face, it looks like she hasn't slept well either, "Can we do this tomorrow?"

"Y-yeah! Yeah, I'm sorry, I mean, I don't know what I was-Gah, fuck this… Goodnight, Kurenai."

"…Shikamaru, wait."

"Yeah?" Please don't send me out.

She sighs, "Come in."

There's baby stuff everywhere from the shower a while back. I think I'm going to be sick.

"You want some tea?"

"N-no.. thanks."

"Alright," she sits down at the table with a cup of her own, she rubs her neck and moves the hair from her face. She's been taking it easier, but the stress has definitely gotten to her, "What's this all about?"

Where do I begin.

"Were… Were you and Asuma… I mean…_sigh_. Would you… have your baby if you knew Asuma… wasn't going to be here? I mean-"

Her face softened, and she caressed her belly, "… I don't know. Maybe. Why? What's wrong?"

"N-nothing I just-…" Fuuck. "Do you… think I'd make a good father?" Her face isn't right; she isn't saying anything. "Wait- no, fuck, that's not what I meant. I mean-"

"Who is she?"

* * *

Shidan and I have been partners for about seven years. A relatively short amount of time, considering, but enough for me to learn more than I would have preferred about the zealot. After seven years with one person in your life, day and night, whether or you want to or not, you know that person. And after seven years, she had not changed. Not a day had affected her. Not a scar remained after countless stitches. It was only a year ago that I had actually humored the idea that her nonsensical babbling might actually mean something. I've badgered you about her secret before, to cut the Jashinist crap and teach me the secret that has kept her in a permanent state of health. I know she cannot be immortal. Time will have his way with all of us. I don't want to be like her, stuck in immature youth, I just want her to admit that it has nothing to do with supernatural nonsense. No, 'want' isn't the right word. I want nothing from her. But there are times when I crave the satisfaction.

Despite that, while she is everything I loathe, we came to an understanding long ago. Our personalities may not be compatible, but out combat is. So we tolerate each other. Yes, we know each other. And by know, I mean we know each other, not just of. We certainly know enough, in terms of quantity not quality, to base a close friendship. I haven't been as blatant about myself, but she's not stupid. At least, not as stupid as she acts, which I was glad to learn. However, we do not care for each other. That being said, it only makes sense that we would look out for each other, and that, overtime, a bond of mutual respect might blossom the vulnerable thorns of attachment.

And so, when she began to literally melt in my arms, her flesh oozing away, exposing crumbling broken bone, as what remained of her fleshy existence expanded and erupted into a pink haze, I did nothing. I stood. Fearful. I could only think – time has claimed her. Her Oh-So-Righteous Jashin was taking her. It was over.

And when the pile of ashes began to throb, so did I. When ropes of pink throbbing flesh shot from the floor, crawling back into physical existence from nothing, bubbling and boiling, entangling itself, growing and growing – I began shrinking. It rose, the veiny fleshy mess dove into itself, making a compact ball, throbbing, throbbing, I see blood begin pumping and it shoots out into a star. White teeth slowly emerge from it, peeking out like a shark's fin above the ocean – a popping noise and they jut farther. Suddenly I understand, but stay fixated where I am, watching horrified. Bones slowly snake out and connect to make limbs, winding around and around until there is a vaguely humanoid shape.

The pulsing pink wrapped around everything, squeezing and stretching into stringy muscles and veins, cling and sewing itself to everything, getting comfortable. Her stomach area expanding and fleshy stew spilling down into it from nowhere, blowing up like balloons to form organs – slowly a peachy, sticky liquid crept over everything, blistering and cracking as it dried, but cooling into a smooth, soft cover, subtle wrinkles and depressions printing itself on its own. It looked like something was trying to escape from the inside, pounding and bubbling; large bugs seemed to form just underneath, but her skin stretched and stayed firm until it all settled down. She was only mostly headless. But that too slowly emerged from nothing. Brown hair grew to shoulder length in less than five seconds. Muscle spasms and some bone-poppings – and the completed body collapsed into soft remains and ash left behind from before, catching her fall like soupy pillows. Her chest throbs and I can finally hear her take a breath.

"So this is how she has stayed young all this time."


End file.
